So, I've been back at work 6 months and I've stuck at doing half the week - I can't manage a full week. It makes me very stressed, over tired and my depression symptoms increase. My colleagues have been great, and have agreed to tell me if I'm starting to look dodgy or behaving wildly. They tend to see things before I do, which is great as I'm sometimes too caught up in what I am doing to have perspective.
I'm still prone to mood dips, but thankfully I haven't had a depression relapse and if I feel things are getting too much, I take some time out. I still get the intrusive thinking, but rather than hideous self mutilation visions, the thoughts are more along the line of thinking I'm going to run across the office and moon, or shout "Cock" in the middle of a really important meeting. Thankfully I don't act out on these thoughts, although some of my colleagues would also probably want to shout out "Cock" in meetings.
And then I see a job advertised in the monthly bulletin which I would love to do. For a week I struggle between wanting to apply for the job, or, not taking the risk and staying put in what I am doing. I fill in the form and leave it up to the employment gods as to whether or not I'll get an interview. I carry on as normal and am stunned when I receive an interview date, and feel excited and worried all at the same time. The problem with being depressed is that it effects your self confidence, and also makes you over sensitive and fearful about change. I procrastinate about the interview and fail to start writing the report presentation required as I'm faffing about. I talk to my senior manager and ask her advice. In her wisdom she tells me that it is just an interview. Even if I do succeed in interview, I can still turn the job down if they offer it to me.
So I do the report and turn up on the day feeling under prepared and anxious. I stick my memory stick in their laptop and it doesn't work! We try again and it still doesn't work. Is this a sign? I have to go ahead using paper copies and luck. I get thoroughly grilled and also have to field questions about my attendance. I tell them that I am mentally ill and also say that if offered the job I'd like to do it part time as I am currently better off working less hours. I also throw in that I will be attending CBT in the near future and will be out of the office for 2 hours, once per week, over a 12 week period. Looking back it really sounds like I was trying NOT to get the job.
I leave the interview thinking that there is no way on earth I'm going to get the job. So when I receive a phone call at 3pm and am told I've been successful I am completely shocked. They are obviously desperate or stupid. Or both. I accept as this for me is a dream job. I will start in January and heaven help us all.