Most people (I assume) roll out of bed in the morning, wash, dress, eat and go to work. Plod through the day, chat and do whatever is necessary, come home, eat, sleep and its all over. Not wishing to totally simplify the life of others, but I can be hugely resentful with the ease in which non-mentally ill people function. This may be a fallacy or folly, but I do actually know people for whom very little happens in the way of stress or trauma. This is what I aspire to be - the benchmark of serene mundanity. Stress for these people doesn't mean they might end up in the mental health unit. They are not boring, but just regular.
And for me this is so terribly difficult. I have to put so many things in place to maintain normality, that it feels as if I'm doing a full time job just to reach the level most people function at with no effort at all. Sometimes I just want a rest. Or give up. Or scream at the top of my voice in the street in rage. These are the days when my cross to bear feels unfair.
What really bugs me is when people choose to disregard the severity of your illness, or dismiss how difficult it is to do the very simple things, when you try to have a transparent and honest conversation with them. I know the mass of the general populous cannot be empathetic or educated, but I hope that some of the people I work closely with, or know me quite well, would maybe give me that courtesy. I had a conversation with someone today, and without trying to be a victim or wanting special case status, I tried to explain why I was struggling. The response was one of exasperation and annoyance more than anything. All I wanted was understanding about my humaness, but it seems that was a little too much to expect. It must get on people nerves when you can't deliver things to their expectations, or, you have a different way of doing things. I realised today that some people speak with the golden tongue of disability equality, but when push comes to shove, these people can't be arsed.
Today I felt like giving up.
I really sat and thought about the psychotherapy concept of "Mood contamination" and this does happen to me when people refuse to accept my limitations. I just become demoralised and angry. I either have to have a hide made of steel and be an ignorant git, grin and bear it, or, remove myself from the jousting arena and retire to the florist shop. Maybe I'm just really difficult to get on with and expect too much from others. But maybe the person I spoke to was a ........