So I am on the munchies trail again, eating for 3 and trying to remain balanced. I never realised how tricky it would be trying to find a solution to the problem. I originally thought along the lines of months not years to get better when I first entered mental health services. The mind is truly a finely tuned organ that plays it's own song and doesn't take too kindly to a new conducter every 6 months.
The abilify did begin to lift my mood though. It stopped the dip but the horrid sluggishness was just painful. And to top it off it made me twitch. It also gave me a sense of butterflies in my tummy and heady anxiety known as Akathisia. It makes you feel like you can't sit still or get comfy and you pace around a lot feeling weird. So to stop this happening I was given procyclidine. Oh yes another medication in the mix. This one is an anti parkinsonian drug that stops my hands jiggling about and keeps the akathisia under control. Apparently you can't get it in America now, probably as it's not good for you I expect.
So I generally rattle as I walk along now. I take 2 tablets in the morning and 6 at night and function with a limited amount of joy at the pace of a snail. Slightly depressed snail - seems like the correct image. A little bit chubby, slightly sluggish, with a very vulnerable underbelly.
So the mood is lifting finally but I feel cross that I am now taking so much medication I can't see a future being without. It would take a mamoth effort to get off all of these tablets and be free and clear. I hate the need to be dependent on anything mood altering but I currently don't see another option. I have too much to lose by risking a complete withdrawal. I am stable, I am able to work, I function and do service at church, I am a wife and mother. Would I really want to give all of that up just to not take a handful of tablets? Probably not to be honest. But the thought still crosses my mind every night I stand by the sink with my glass of water ready to swallow. I wonder if I can get away with taking 1 or 2 less for a few days and see what happens. Apparently I am not on my own with these feelings at all. Many people will tell you that once they feel well they decide to stop taking their meds as they no longer need them, then sadly, end up in hospital after a nasty relapse. Maybe I'd be one of the lucky ones, who knows, but it is a game of russian routlette. But I really need to talk about what it's like being a mental health wife really don't I, I suppose....