What to expect when reading bi-polar wife

Thoughts and feelings of living with bi-polar as a wife, mother, and person in the world.

Thursday, 12 January 2017

This is my 100th post

I am currently slightly distracted by chair dancing to Radiohead and wondering what to write. You know, "Creep" was the first song I learned to play on my guitar. "How to disappear completely" touched my darkness and made me cry. "Body snatchers" makes me flail around my kitchen in indie dance joy. And "Burn the witch" reads "Bum the witch" on Ian's display in the car! It's also a great tune I might add. I am totally in love with Radiohead. I digress.

Creativity. That's what I'll share about.

Creative expression and art play a vital role for me in connecting, sharing experience and lifting my spirit. I think that's why I started blogging initially, and I'm now attending recovery college to harness that part of me some more. The creative writing course gave me a direction and tips of how to begin that process. I have written some poetry too, and now with the comedy course, I am encouraging my brain to use my personal experience, my understanding of language and my desire to use my illness in a positive way to generate fun and humour. 

I went to an interpretive dance show about three years ago about drug addiction recovery. I was so moved I started crying. The colleague who was with me was totally embarrassed. But surely a human response and empathy are what it's all about? If someone cannot hear you by speaking, show them something or create something that they can receive and gives meaning. Not everyone can make sense of what you say. Sometimes a visual snapshot is all it takes to reach someones soul. Take Pablo Picasso's "Guernica"or "Myra" by Marcus Harvey. The impact although not always palatable, is clear for all to see. I think it's very brave (or stupid) to expose yourself in such a way. You show the world your naked soul, uncloaked by bravado or lies, and it's open season on criticism. However, at least the world at large might actually get what you're on about.

Also music, film and the written world, can stimulate responses in me when I am so ill that responses are few and far between. When I am very depressed,  my ability to feel is very limited. This is know as being in a retarded state. So watching or hearing something can connect with me and help to generate untapped feelings and encourage re-emergence. The flip side of that is not listening to The Smiths "Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me", Amy Winehouse "Love is a losing game" or reading Sylvia Plath when you are at your darkest. Or Thomas Hardy...

I wouldn't necessarily see myself as creative, but I suppose it is within all of use to use these mediums to express our inner turmoil, joy or displeasure. So this afternoon I shall go to comedy school, and see what happens. I'll probably be deeply unfunny, but the process isn't about being successful. It's about experimenting with something new and making real time connections with other human beings and being vulnerable and not self obsessed. What a gift!

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